Well, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. As of right now, I cut things off with my ex-girlfriend and we're going to try not talking online for a week or so. She was really hurt but I honestly think it's the best for both of us to do it. It was insane the amount of back and forth we were doing to where it was just making me insane and I felt like I had to do something to end the cycle. I really hope she sees that it was just for the best to do this.

Being officially out of a relationship now has led me to think more about how I see myself the next time I get in one (which will be awhile down the line). When the trans thing came up first, my thoughts almost immediately went to thinking of wanting to date guys. That made no sense to me because I never really had been attracted to guys before, and I knew that I was at least somewhat attracted to women. Plus it really disturbed my ex that I could just leave her the moment this came up and I cared about her too much to not want to hurt her.

So I think I pretty much came up with some sort of justification for being attracted to guys - that they validated me as a girl but ultimately I'd want to date girls, that kind of stuff. Now I'm pretty sure that was just all stuff I was trying to convince myself of because I found the thought of being with a guy kind of disturbing and also didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. But then it would keep coming up when I sensed we were getting distant, so I'd have to bring it up and then would be driven back into feeling guilty about it and thinking that it wasn't a real feeling.

Now I've had enough time to realize that I very likely will be a mostly straight or bi-curious woman and not a lesbian. Just about everything about being with a guy makes sense to me - first of all, when I was masturbating I always had to go to a strained conscious effort not to think of guys and that certainly isn't true the other way around. Second, just something about being in a relationship with a guy makes perfect sense to me - the dynamic seems to click and it seems just right. Whereas with my ex, I always felt there was some expectation there I wasn't living up to and felt upset that she treated me like a guy...and I was always kind of nervous that I'd slip up when I was with her and imagine myself with a guy inadvertantly. I guess it's hard to explain why exactly it is this way, but when I think about it things sync up and I feel right for the first time.

This is where my ex would probably respond to say that I just feel this way because it's a way to distance myself from the problems with her and that I'm trying to manufacture feelings that aren't there because it's easier, but I honestly just...feel right when I think about it. If I weren't so tired maybe I could describe it. It's like everything aligns in the universe and I don't feel at all neurotic or self-conscious or worried about anything. It's a beautiful feeling.

I'm going to go to sleep now because I think I've lost the capacity to say anything coherent. I'll just leave it at that and try to come back to this later.

I froze comments on the post below because I exagerrated some things which would throw off the kinds of comments I'm going to get. I mainly wrote it to get out my frustrations, because I felt like I was going to blow otherwise. I appreciate the support of everyone who's read my posts and commented, and I promise I will figure this out soon.

Things have gone up and down radically as usual, seemingly out of my control. I go from feeling great to feeling like I've reached the end of my life. I'm starting to think this might be a problem with my brain rather than something I'm doing consciously. Either way, I want to take care of it soon because it's fucking up my life.

I had yet another fight with my former girlfriend. I felt like she's been pretty controlling and told her I was really upset about some of the stuff she's said to me. It seems like she loves to always focus on everything that's wrong with me, but then gets pissed off when I act mopey and depressed. What am I supposed to do? I really have tried to support her and I do care about her, but it seems like she just forgets about that and focuses on everything bad I've done.

She rarely, if ever, acknowledges that I've tried to help her on several occasions, instead focusing on how I'm so all over the place and self-absorbed and how I'm so lucky to be with a person so much smarter, more attractive, and older and how she only stayed with me because she didn't have enough confidence to break up. It hurts so goddamn much for someone to say that to me! That seems borderline abusive! I know she doesn't mean it (or does she? I don't know anymore) but it seems like she has absolutely no understanding of how sensitive I am or how much it hurts me to hear this stuff about myself when she says it. I have said some really crappy things to her before, especially early on, but it still does not compare to some of the horrible things she's said about me. When I said how much that's hurt me, she said every couple argues and says stuff they don't mean and that she doesn't do it very often. I still think it's wrong, and I beg to differ about her not doing it very often.

I've been far from a perfect person to be with. I don't know what the hell is with me when it comes to being all over the place and having wild mood swings, for example, but it has created vast numbers of problems. It's clear that I have major confidence issues and do not seem to have the capacity to be consistently calm and reassuring. But it's destroying my confidence even more to talk to someone with it likely that somewhere in our conversation I will undermined and told that I'm wrong or told that I will never be able to be in a relationship with someone because they won't put up with what she's put up with or how I'm utterly self-absorbed and have no capacity to see reality. What does she gain by doing that? Why doesn't she just stop talking to me if she has that many problems with me? It hurts me really, really, really bad to hear that stuff and it doesn't seem to get her anywhere or make her feel any better about herself to say it. I wanted her to acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong and destructive to both me and her with her behaving like that, but she never does. When I bring it up to her, she immediately says how I have so many more problems that I'm not acknowledging and I'm being hypocritical.

I really want to help her, I really really do. I don't know what she thinks...it seems like she believes that I just want to stay with her so I have someone to pay attention to me. To be with someone 5 months and have them believe that is just infuriating. I don't want to stop talking to her because it's really hard to just stop loving or caring about someone, and I want us to be on good terms and friends.

But this is ridiculous...I'm physically hurting myself out of frustration fairly often, I can't work on anything productive because I have no confidence, I can't ever have a happy thought because the minute I do I hear her voice say how no one will ever put up with me, I can't work on anything related to being trans because the minute I do I hear her voice saying how it's "so obvious" that I'm not and I'm just lying to myself because I want attention and an easy answer. Even making this post, I hear her voice saying that I'm being completely cold and self-centered and I'm not seeing reality. The same if I try to stop talking to her...I hear her voice saying how I'm being cold and self-absorbed and then I really start to worry about her being incredibly depressed and possibly doing something to herself. This is maddening, and it's making me want to die. I'm just completely lost and don't know what to do.

I'm tired of this stupid journal.

I don't think I want to transition anymore. I don't think it will be worth it. All the mtfs I've met, no offense, I don't seem to have much of anything in common with or share much of a perspective with. I don't think I can tolerate being in any community let alone this one. If transitioning is about not pretending anymore, I'm not going to pretend to be thrilled by most people or pretend to be interested in what they're saying if I'm not. All anyone my age talks about is fucking pop culture or gossip, and I'm tired of it. But I know it's completely inescapable and I have to pretend to be interested to get anywhere with anyone. That's what being a girl and making friends is about - smiling, nodding, trying to be open-minded and pretending I'm not bored out of my mind. And the person I actually do love and have things in common with broke things off with me and is now trying to distance herself from me as much as she can because I change my mind every day about everything.

I'm stuck at home. I'm in the middle of nowhere with no car and virtually no money. I have no friends here. I'm being pressured to find a job for the summer (I work a small amount of hours lifeguarding at a pool now), but the idea of being here much longer makes me want to kill myself. But it's not as if I'm showing the motivation to do anything else, so I'm probably going to be stuck doing that, just like I've been stuck doing everything because I was too depressed to put forth the effort.

To top it all off, despite me not telling anyone still on campus, someone on the Oberlin gossip website basically outed me as transgendered. I made a bit of a reputation for myself as a desperate loner on that site because I was so fucking depressed and confused, but the masochistic posts I made just turned me into a campus-wide joke. So they probably found out because I wasn't careful enough to conceal myself online, but I didn't think people would be following me and wanting to post about it for a whole college campus to see. It's just horrible. If I do end up back at Oberlin (which is depressing enough to think about), everyone's going to know something incredibly personal about me.

I know there are people online who will support me, but if those people knew anything about me in real life, they wouldn't want to be near me. Chances are, they're someone who doesn't have any chance of understanding me anyway. I really don't think I can be helped, nor do I think it's worth it to help me. If I had the guts to I would consider killing myself, but I know I won't. I know that I'll probably feel better in the morning. But I also know that it still won't be enough to get me to do anything and I'm just going to waste away here.

soooo just about everything worked out today. My girlfriend accepted that I'm trans, I accepted that I'm bi and there's nothing wrong with that, and both of us resolved to keep an open mind and do whatever we need to be with each other. If only I knew if I've got into the college I applied to transfer to! Then absolutely everything would be great.

Though those thoughts about guys were something I'd repressed for a long time, the reason I was driven to thinking about them was because of our constant fighting and her not being able to accept me as trans. That's basically what was behind it all - me not feeling accepted and harboring resentment for a lot of things in our relationship. I also had convinced myself that she wanted to break up and was just insecure about being alone. I had no idea she loved me nearly as much as she does...I didn't think anyone could love me nearly that much.

And the guy stuff is ok now. I'm realizing that it's ok to feel whatever I feel and not feel guilty about it because I know that I love my girlfriend very much in the end. She reassured me of this many times and I feel a lot better, and she does too. She even might start calling me by the girl name we came up with soon. It's Allie, by the way. I originally wanted Alice but I think Allie is less stiff and fits my personality better. I also came up with a lot of good ideas for songs with the recording I've been wanting to do for awhile. I think they just cropped up because I finally felt relaxed and in a good mood.

So no worries - the world is a bit brighter today. Thanks for the support everyone!

My girlfriend has threatened to kill herself tonight after a long conversation with her about the stuff I posted below. She said that she can never love someone as much as me and that life isn't worth living if we can't be together :(. I'm really afraid she might do it - she has already hurt herself, at least from what she's told me..to what extent I don't know :(. I'm across the country from her so I can't monitor her and make sure she's ok. I don't even have her phone number. I've been sending a constant stream of messages begging her to respond and giving her the number of a suicide hotline, but it's been almost an hour with no response. I really hope she doesn't do anything really serious to herself tonight :(

I said that I loved her and wanted to be with her forever, not a week before. And I felt like I meant it. How could I do this? God, I don't know what's wrong with me. This only came up seriously in the past few days and now it's enough to ruin a relationship? I guess I somehow thought that she wanted to be with someone else in the end or would be happier with someone else given things she said in the past, but I guess I took for granted just how much she loves me. Maybe I just want to feel distant because I'm afraid of being close to anyone?

I thought she would accept this more easily because I felt like we were starting to hit a dead end and were just constantly arguing and making each other miserable and I thought she shared that feeling :(. I love her, but I can't be in a relationship that makes me insane and miserable every day. She seems to think we can work it out because we love each other, but it just feels like she's marginalizing the communication problems we've always had, indepedent of this whole guy thing. I feel like if she wasn't so afraid of being rejected that she could see that. This is why I was afraid to even bring any doubts up. I really just hope she doesn't hurt herself any more :(

Thanks for the support, the couple people who responded. I haven't done anything to deserve it :(

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm a cold, horrible person.

How can I be so sure of having feelings for her and then all the sudden be consumed by this? It doesn't make sense. I didn't try to fake anything, but now I'm completely obsessed with this. What I feel now feels right, but who knows? Maybe I'm just an alien that can convince itself that it has any feelings. All I know is that I must not be human.

...here are some thoughts I have about what happened last night:

1. I lied. I lied to my girlfriend and I lied to myself about being interested in guys. I didn't want it to be true, because I knew that I love her and care about her. She is incredibly insecure, and I know that me being with a guy would be the ultimate rejection for her. I knew she'd interpret my interest in guys as a thinly-veiled excuse to reject her, and I didn't want to hurt her.

2. There were also some things that didn't make sense to me, so I assumed they invalidated my interest without thinking about them really deeply. I knew, for example, that when I had masturbated while thinking about guys, the fantasy went away afterwards. So I figured that meant my interest in them was only passing. I figured that once I started transitioning, this stuff wouldn't be much of a problem anymore and I'd be more comfortable.

3. Our relationship dynamic was totally screwed up. We both care about each other, but we were both basically the insecure girl in need of constant reassurance. Originally, I thought this would go away once she dealt with her issues in therapy and I started transitioning. In the last week or so, I've realized that it's just too much to communicate with her in this way without one of us getting upset. We're both miserable.

4. She has said to me several times that I'm not her type has expressed desires for someone more confident and older. I didn't take that well at all before, and I think I made her feel really bad and forced her out of saying how she felt in the long term. I know she loves me, but she has to have known that this wasn't going to work out in the long term, at least not with things as they currently are. I think because she's so insecure and afraid of rejection and also afraid of making me upset that she's not thinking about what will be best for both of us.

5. I did say I wanted to be with her forever, and I did mean it. I said it from the perspective of the old, miserable me who wanted to be secure and accepted so badly. I knew that I love her and felt comfortable around her. The new me, or the actual me, isn't sd insecure. I know this sounds horribly cold, but I don't think that was representative of me when I said that. I think she's an amazing person and I want to be at least her friend forever, but I know she's going to be royally pissed at me so I don't know if that will be possible. And I fucked up really bad, so I can understand why.

6. What made me consider the whole guy thing in the first place is a few days ago when she flat out said she wanted to break up and then took it back quickly afterwards. That led me to believe that she probably wasn't happy either but didn't want to hurt my feelings or be rejected herself.

7. The above led me to consider why I was so enamored with the idea of being with a guy in the first place. Why did I think I was gay for a brief period of time, and why, upon first discovering I was transgendered, did I almost immediately say that I was probably going to be more interested in dating guys as a girl? I thought it was just a selfish feeling to validate being a girl myself. In the last few days, I realized that if it were just a selfish, shallow feeling, I wouldn't feel anywhere near consumed by it or had as much deep-seated guilt about it as I do. I'm starting to accept it, and I already feel a lot better about myself.

8. I'm going to have a damn hard time communicating this stuff to her and make her believe any of it. I don't think she's ever going to trust me again. And she's going to carry this with her forever - that she got "dumped" by an ugly, insecure guy who wanted to be a girl. I don't know if she's even going to accept that I'm really transgendered. She's just going to think it's something about her that made me want to leave and brainwash myself into thinking I'm a girl. But it doesn't have anything to do with her. We're both miserable, she needs someone else, I need someone else. We care about each other deeply, but we're not right to be in a relationship with each other. I don't know how to get her to see that.

9. I'm really worried about her and I'm worried that this is going to destroy her. That's why I felt so guilty about even thinking about any of this guy stuff in the first place. I just want to see her happy, and I know this is going to hurt her an incredible amount. But I can't lie anymore, to myself or her. It's just not right. If she can get over this eventually and work through her issues, I know she'll be a lot happier. I still care about her and I love her at a level deeper than just as a friend. We understand each other really well and have a lot in common, and I don't want to lose that. I just want to see her happy and help her find happiness, because I'm tired of seeing her miserable.

She may refuse to talk to me for awhile and then tell me I'm a horrible liar and inhuman and I'm never going to be happy. She'll might consult her friend and tell me that he says I'm fucked up, and then talk to her psychologist mom and tell me that she says I'm not really transgendered and I have commitment problems. I can understand why she would do that and think she has the right to. But I don't know what else to do. I know the truth, for the first time, and I only hope she can accept this soon.

I got in a fight with my girlfriend tonight. She was asking me how I can say that I love her and then just bring up the guy thing to her. She wanted to know how I could say that I don't know how I'm going to feel in the future and might have to leave if the feelings for guys get too intense. I don't know what to say - I don't understand my feelings or why I do this either.

It's like nothing is certain and I don't even know how to feel. I don't understand why I can feel strongly that I love her and then simultaneously be consumed by the thought of wanting something else. Of course it's horrible for her to have to deal with and I don't want to put her through this. It doesn't seem like I'm even human or have the capacity to deal with any real emotions. How can I say that I love her and honestly feel like it and then so soon after feel distant and pine for something else? It doesn't even make sense. And I had no answer when she kept asking that question except for crying and saying "I don't know."

Maybe even if I feel that I want to be with a guy, if I did get in a relationship I'd get to the same point that I'm at now of feeling like I wanted something else. It seems like it's inevitable in any relationship I'm in that I'm going to do this to someone else. Maybe I'm just looking for this guy thing to be the answer when it's clearly not. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to protect myself because our relationship isn't going well and it's long distance. I say that I love her, but I don't even know if I have the capacity to love anything.

Maybe I'm just not fit for a relationship right now. Maybe it's just too much for me. Who knows. I have felt like I've wanted out, like being both away from her and in constant conflict every night in chats online or on the phone with her is making me miserable. I have felt that I need to go out in the world on my own and just be myself for awhile. I've thought that our relationship was bound to end because of our problems and that maybe me being more strongly attracted to guys could have played a large part of it. I've considered that maybe a guy has something a girl can't offer, and maybe that's more what I need in terms of relationship dynamics and keeping my sanity.

But I don't understand how I can just completely split away from someone I love like that, especially after saying to her that I loved her so much and wanted to be with her forever. It seems so wrong and fucked up, especially because I felt I meant it at the time. Sure, maybe hormones will stabilize me and set things staight but I'm a long way from taking them. In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

It's been over a month since I posted here, and a lot has happened (mostly bad, unfortunately :().

My visit with my girlfriend went pretty poorly. We kept setting each other off and having shouting matches over the stupidest things. Like she got really upset whenever I asked if I could have a portion of her food because she wanted it for herself. Or I'd compulsively make comments about where to go in some video game and that would upset her (rightfully so on this one...it's a bad habit). Or she'd go get something from the kitchen and I'd go with her, which she found annoying because I was acting too dependent. It seemed like pretty much anything I did annoyed her, which really upset me and set me off completely. One morning after we argued about something I sat in the bathroom for two hours because I didn't want to go back and argue with her. And then when I went back she seemed to be kind of indifferent to the fact that I had sat in the bathroom for that long, saying "okay fine, but I need to get some sleep."

There were a lot of other factors - her not accepting me as trans, being around her parents, being stuck at her mom's apartment the whole day, etc. But it reflects badly our relationship that we can't make it through one day together without having at least two or three bad arguments followed by apologies saying we'd never do it again. To her credit, she has apologized for most of the above things I listed, and I know that she's ultimately not responding to me as much as her own insecurities. And I love her. We have many of the same interests and same views of the world. I feel like I need her and she needs me, and that we can both work on our issues and be happy together eventually. We've even both admitted this to each other.

But another side of me secretly thinks that maybe this is too much for either of us to handle right now, and that we're better off not being together. And that maybe we would be broken up, but we're both so afraid of rejection that we've stayed together. I suppose it doesn't even matter - we're not going to see each other for awhile anyway. I live at my parents' house with no friends, she has tremendous social anxiety issues. It's not like either of us would be going out with someone else anytime soon anyway.

My biggest problem with this whole mess is from the beginning, she said right out that she prefers confident guys and that I'm too immature and weak to be her type. She said that my "weakness", in particular, bugged her and she had a constant compulsion to comment on it and be irritated by it. And that me being transgendered was the biggest extension of my weakness possible and it disturbed her. Of course that really hurt. What am I supposed to do, pretend to be someone I'm not? I know she has issues and doesn't mean to do it, but I really feel like I can't put up with being flat-out insulted much of the time, especially with how insecure I am. When I tell her this she says that if I really love her, I should be patient and deal with it for now. And maybe I should? I don't even know anymore.


The biggest, darkest, most disturbing thing has come up in the past few days. I've pretty much always considered myself as a straight guy with some gay tendencies. Despite being very picky, I have always been attracted to women. I did think I was gay for a period before I came to a realization of being transgendered, but that was very brief. I never found gay guys that appealing or thought that I could ultimately be with another guy as a guy.

But now, I can't get the thoughts about guys out of my head. They won't go away. Originally I thought my interest in them was purely sexual. I'd think about them sometimes when I was masturbating, but after I came I would go back to wanting to be with women. I know, a typical "autogenagpyaghaphiliac" or whatever fantasy. There was something disturbing about it, though, that I never got. I never got why it seemed to be at least a little easier to think about guys when masturbating, or why I'd have to make a conscious effort much of the time to block them out from my head. If my thoughts about guys go away after I come, then why do they keep cropping up randomly even when I'm trying to think about women? Before I just assumed it was because I was so insecure of any "gay" thought at all. More recently I reasoned that it was just easier to imagine myself with a guy because that automatically puts me into the role of a girl.

But now I'm not so sure. I've started to take the very first baby steps in letting myself go as a girl very recently. At the same time, I've not only noticed that my desire for guys has increased, but that I have an easier time imagining myself with a guy than with a girl, for the very first time. The fact that I seem to actually like this I find incredibly disturbing. I've had this constant empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach while I think about it and I haven't been able to get any sleep or stop my brain. I can't stop this horribly intense feeling of shame, and it's made me depressed about everything.

I can't be attracted to guys, can I? I've been friends with mostly guys over the years, and never noticed much of any attraction to them. Why the sudden feelings? At the same time, the fact that the thought of being with a guy seems simultaneously right and horribly wrong sets off a big red flag that these might be incredibly repressed feelings. For the first time I feel not just a sexual desire to be with a guy, but an emotion need to be with one. But how do I know this isn't just me distancing myself from my girlfriend and girls in general because our relationship is on rocky ground? How do I know that I might only be feeling this way because I want to be validated as a girl?

And then there's a problem of, even if this is true, what to do about it. I'm still with my girlfriend and love her very much, but I don't know if this new need is going to completely distract my old need of being with a girl. In addition to our other relationship problems, this just makes me want to go insane. And even if these feelings continue with absolutely no doubt, I'm years from fully transitioning, so I'd probably be years from being in a relationship with any straight guy.

My girlfriend insists that if I'm not really gay now, there's no reason I'd be attracted to men as a woman. From what I've read, though, there are plenty of mtf's who considered themselves basically straight men that turned into basically straight women. And I feel like it's very possible for me. I feel this need deep down and I don't know if it's just me trying to distance myself from my current problems or an honest to God, real need. I feel ashamed to even talk about it.

I got into a fight with my girlfriend again...she kept suggesting that I should go into therapy first before I decide on anything and I kept denying it and saying that I want to start being trans as soon as possible. She was being pretty reasonable so I don't know why I was being so stubborn and horrible. :( That degenerated into her getting upset saying that she shouldn't have "convinced me" that I'm trans and it's obvious I'm so desperate for an identity and need it because I'd feel empty without it. I told her I'd feel empty because it was denying me my true identity and she says she doesn't think it is :(

I also lost it completely several times throughout the conversation and threatened to hurt myself more than a few times. I feel so bad at being a burden to her and upsetting her so much but I just feel so awful and empty when she suggests that I'm not trans. Right now I abruptly exited our conversation and I feel horrible for it :( I love her so much but I don't know how to deal with this at all.

I guess I'm going to try to talk to her again before she really starts worrying about me :(

EDIT: We've talked and it's ok now. She just wanted to make sure I got into therapy before anything else which is what I was planning to do anyway. I hate how I get so worked up about this stuff and make it into a big deal when it doesn't start out being one. I also hate how I haven't made any of my super-hot girlfriend's many awesome positive traits apparent here :( Oh well

EDIT2: I should also add that we've been apart for awhile and it has caused a lot of problems. She hasn't seen me at all act more like a girl like I've started to do recently. I'm going to be seeing her really soon though. I can't wait!

I haven't posted here for awhile because I was in Oberlin visiting my girlfriend over the past week and a half. I was all over the place emotionally, I guess from repressing myself so much over the years. Oberlin was also depressing as shit, as usual. But other than that, it was great. I have never felt any closer to her than I felt over that week and I just wish times weren't so rough for the both of us (and we weren't in Oberlin) so we could've enjoyed it more.

She has now left Oberlin forever (she was kicked out...long story) and we will be apart for an extended period of time. She's at home starting on art classes to make a portfolio and I will be in Oberlin again after next week starting back up with school. It will suck :(

Ignoring the transgendered issue for a second, I'm pretty down about school in general right now. The music technology program (aka TIMARA) I wanted to get into sounds less and less like what I want to do. I can't even take a class in it until next year and it feels in general like I have to jump through an annoying number of hoops just to get in on the ground floor.

The big dealbreaker, however, is the attitude of the students here. Many are the typical college students making bad decisions, but with an irritating edge. On less isolated or bigger campuses with less agressive emphasis for each of its students to change the world, people might be more relaxed and less insistent on proving their ultimate intellectual superiority. Since none of those are the case, I always sense that so many people are on this self-destructive edge all the time that they inflict it on other people. I'm not saying it's bad to be ambitious or that I'm not super insecure, but there's something about the way a lot of obies inflict their depression on everyone else that can be pretty disgusting. And even if that isn't the case and they are completely relaxed, they still flock together in groups and are generally don't seem overwhelmingly interesting as people. But maybe I'm just a big meanie who's too critical of other people...who knows.

I'm also joining a transgendered community on livejournal to make a post. I don't feel like I have an overwhelming amount in common with a lot of people in these kind of places and I definitely don't consider myself any kind of "activist" but they at least seem supportive and knowledgeable about transgender-related stuff. I guess I've always been afraid that no one wants to accept me because I think so indepedently and sometimes pretty negatively about things. I've always felt that doing that made people feel really uncomfortable, no matter who they are or what group they belong to or whatever. It feels like I can never be myself without making virtually everyone uncomfortable.

Oh well. Stay tuned for updates.

I always thought I was just genetically unlucky with my attraction to girls. Most people seem to be attracted to the kind of identity that compliments them - gay guys to gay guys, gay girls to gay girls, and straight guys to straight girls. These are not just about appearence, but behavior and demeanor. I could never really figure out why, then, I was attracted to girls with personality traits that tended to be associated with "lesbian" or "bi" girls.

Most straight guys say they want a "nice" girl, and it seems like any other characteristics beyond that are secondary and unnecessary. Does she have a sense of humor? Is she interesting to talk to? Is she talented or especially good at something? Does she have opinions about things? Over and over, those questions seem to not matter that much to guys I know.

Basically all of my friends over the years have been guys. The main thing I've always liked about guys is that, in general, you know where they stand. On the other hand, I had a mixed amount of critical disdain and awed respect for women that I never could get to the point of being friends with any. I felt disdain because I was often disappointed by girls who I didn't feel lived up to what they could be by worrying about messing around than making themselves into an interesting person. I felt respect because I admired them too much - their openness and ability to express and share feelings that I felt like I was only the "male oppressor" keeping them down. A girl who lived up to her potential and could be assertive and talented would be much more awesome and amazing than any guy could ever be.

But the girls I knew never seemed to reach that point, so my friends stayed guys. I swam throughout highschool, and my two of best friends from the swim team (both in the class behind mine) seemed to change during their senior year. One went through two or three girlfriends rapidly, all of whom were random uninteresting girls two years younger than him who all he appeared to have in common with them was doing random teasy things to them and having them tease back. His current girlfriend he'd also bring with a posse of her friends, and they'd do stuff like squirtgun fight and collaborate on a three hour long game of keep away from him while I was stuck in the middle wondering when I could go home. My other friend has distanced himself pretty far away from them and expresses his digust for them, but also has a girlfriend who he appears to be not at all happy with. For example, he has a lot of problems extending from his parent's divorce and annoying siblings, so he is quite angry. She thinks he doesn't swear at all, and he completely hides her from his other friends, and his other friends from her. Sounds like a real good relationship to me.

Also...probably my best friend, a guy I have been friends with on and off since 1st grade, has been going out with a girl who I have never seen show any signs of affection towards or even spend much time at all with for a good two or three years.

The point I'm trying to make is that it has never seemed to me like the connection between most guys and girls is very deep at all. I've always been infinitely frustrated because most girls seemed to expect me to talk in a teasy tone to them, but I won't because I think it was disrespectful. They think that it is un-masculine and "weird" to act that way (you have no idea how many times girls have called me "weird"), so that just makes me more afraid to try talking to them.

I could go on and on, but all I'm trying to say is that I'm glad I've been figuring out what the hell is "wrong" with me over the years. It's good to feel like I'm not some crazy deviant who was born screwed from the beginning. To put it another way, it's good to feel like a human, for once!

I'm so utterly self-conscious about everything it's sickening. I picked this layout and then thought I was overcompensating by being deliberately too girly with the colors. But I like purple, so fuck 'em. I do wish the pink part wasn't there, but the style gods seem to be working against me in allowing more customization.

It's not like anyone's going to be reading this anyway! But this isn't for other people (nor is really any of livejournal I suppose), it's supposed to be for me to write shit that pops into my head. My girlfriend thinks livejournal is pretty lame, and I'm inclined to agree with her, but it'd be nice to have a record of stuff that happens to me so that I remember things better.

I'm currently a 19-year old male who attends Oberlin college. I came to the realization a month ago that I'm transgendered or transexual or trans or whatever you want to call it (it's sad that I don't know what the PC term for something that describes me is). Of course, it's only been about a month where I've thought of myself as this so it's probably hard to read me talking about how I'm absolutely sure this is what I am and think I'm completely serious and not deluding myself. But it's true, whether or not anyone else in the universe chooses to believe it: I do, in fact, believe I would (scratch that, WILL) be much happier as a girl. Or, at least have a much better chance of being happier as a girl.

In the off-chance that someone does manage to read this and figure out who I am, that's fine, but I'd rather not put my name on here (at least not right now). I don't really care either way, I just would rather not let random strangers know at this point.

I plan to add more shit here as my boredom dictates it. Stay tuned!